Most people take this time of year to reflect on the past year and think about all they have done or all they didn’t do. This year we get to reflect on this past decade. Like many people, I did not expect anything that came my way in 2019. As I think about all that has happened over the past 10 years, I am impressed at the strength that I had to find and let grow to manage life.
The final year of the ’10s decade was full of big life changes. I finally realized it was okay to let go of some things that were no longer working for me. Over the past few years, tension has been building and life felt harder and harder. I felt stuck. I felt helpless and worthless. I was on the brink of divorce, I was burnt out at work, and I could barely get out of bed because I was so overwhelmed with life. Trust me…it was bad. I hit a point where change was necessary or I wasn’t going to be able to move forward in life. I fought it every step of the way because I am strong and I can handle whatever comes my way. What I didn’t realize is life has a funny way of balancing itself out. We are not meant to live a life full of pain, anger, and stress. Eventually I was so uncomfortable and so unhappy that I had to change. One way or another I had to do it.
After evaluating the situations that were causing me the most emotional harm, I narrowed it down to the biggest source where I could get courage to change. I quit my job. It was a difficult choice to make because I knew there would be major, life changing positive and negative consequences. I had always wanted to teach and I worked hard to be a good teacher, even though I always felt mediocre at best. I made sacrifices, especially when I went back to school to get my masters degree.
I often chose my job over my family because if I didn’t, my days would be much harder than they already were. I knew that financially, we would take a hit. I would have to leave behind my friends whom I consider my family. Of course I can still see them, but it just isn’t the same. Weighing both sides of this very heavy coin, I did it. I left. It took awhile for the reality to set in and my body is still trying to reset, but my stress levels have decreased enough to almost feel like a regular person. Allowing myself to switch up this energy has been a good thing because I get to start this next season fresh.
This year was a year of progress. I was able to get more help for Kaiden. It was painful and difficult. I cried a lot. I didn’t know if we would ever make the kind of progress necessary to keep him in a public school, general education setting. I know that a smaller private school setting is probably a better fit, I am realistic when I say I can’t afford it and I didn’t have a way to get him to school, even if I could afford it. I was ready to give up. I was ready to move back to Utah so I could access more services to get him the help and supports he badly needed. I was in a battle, fighting with everything I had to help my little boy. It was a battle I felt alone in fighting. I was pushing that giant rock up hill with everyone on the other side trying to push it back down on top of me, especially Kaiden. But, somehow we turned a corner during the summer and I am fairly confident that we won’t have to go back to that nightmarish mountain.
This year brought me face to face with the realities of cancer. Not personally, but one friend was diagnosed with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer and both my aunt and another friend lost their battles earlier in the year to this disease. It is so sad to see how much damage is done to a person’s body while they fight for their life. While I don’t really have to do much of the work, I still get to be there for my friend as she fights daily to get her illness to go into remission because that is our hope. There is something to be said about facing the reality that your expiration date is definitely sooner than later. Think about how scary that is! I hope you never have to face that reality.
The past ten years have been equally full of unexpected ups and downs. We moved three times, living in three states, one of which is 12 hours away from our closest family. I got four additional tattoos and a piercing, while learning how to be okay with who I am despite the judgement of others. Growing up surrounded by judgment, this was really uncomfortable for me. I have watched my kids grow into tiny people with their own experiences and realities that I have come to realize I don’t know much about and have little control over.
Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder have become part of my life and they have had a daily impact on my family. If you could hear the things that have been said to me or my husband about our parenting or the comments about my son, your jaw would drop in disbelief because how can people be so ignorant and cruel? Most people see a child who looks typical and therefore they expect him to behave in a typical way. They can’t see he is doing his best and sometimes just can’t do what you think he should do. And do you know what? It really is okay. Once you stand back and look at the bigger picture, you can understand him and his behavior much better. A wise person told me, if he could do it, he would do it.
I experienced a child custody battle, which was not my favorite. I have never imagined that I would see the inside of a courtroom. I was not that person. I am a person who will fight for her daughter to have a happy life. I saw the sadness in my daughter’s eyes when she realized her bio dad was not coming back. Those are the moments that will stick with you. The image of her sweet, innocent, loving face broken hearted is etched in my mind.
For the past ten years I have been smack in the middle of mental illness. My husband and I took on the responsibility of my father in law, who is really just a giant kid who cries and pouts when he doesn’t get his way. He has had really manic moments where he has dressed up in the most ridiculous outfits and paraded around his apartment building and even in actual parades. Rob has been so great at just letting his dad’s freak flag fly. I roll my eyes as I find it irritating, even though it really doesn’t impact me at all. He has had very low lows, where every day has been filled with crying and despair as he begs and pleads to live with us because he is smelling things, hearing things, or is scared. Ten years ago, he was 64. These things are still happening, but they are escalating as dementia is starting to take hold as well. We have made it work, no matter the toll it has taken on our family. We have had to be okay with taking care of him. Honestly, I have no compassion toward him. I even hope that one day soon he will move on from this life. I should probably feel bad about feeling that way because I have been taught that I must feel bad for every negative emotion I have. Guess what? Some people are just giant pieces of shit who do not deserve compassion. Let that sink in.
With most of those things now behind me and one in the works, I am excited to invite a new decade full of hope. I look forward to watching my kids experience the excitement of driving, of graduating, of moving out and moving on to whatever journey their life takes them. I am expecting to have to face my own grief as I let go of that control and remind myself of the choices I made and how much I enjoyed the freedom to make those choices. It will be hard to let go of that control. I will do it.
I am excited to discover my next passion and heal the relationships that have taken a hit over the past however many years, especially my self-relationship. I can do anything! I just need to figure out what that anything is.
For the next iconic 20’s, I am committing to make changes where changes are necessary because I don’t have to be in control of anyone but myself. I refuse to feel guilty for other people’s reactions to my choices. I am opening myself up for these changes because that is how we grow. I expect to grow a lot in the next ten years. I expect some pain and some heartache. Above all, I expect myself to live a life of love and of joy. Because life without joy is not a life worth living. It is time to recognize the joy in my journey.