I have known these emotions for as long as I can remember. They are ingrained in me. I am aware they are there. I have been working hard on undoing their damage so I can let them go. Every time I get to a comfortable point in life and I think I have finally kicked these two jerks out for good, BAM! Something happens and I feel the roller coaster of guilt and shame all over again.
Growing up, these two emotional tactics worked hand in hand to keep me on the straight and narrow. My family, my peers, my church, my school, my town…all of them worked so smoothly together that I didn’t even realize what was happening. The messages came to me in a series of actions and words. After all, if you make a mistake, there is something inherently wrong with you, right? Judgment soon follows and you begin to wonder why you are so broken. If this is a foreign concept for you, I will add envious to my list of emotions today.
Culturally, these emotions make sense. I would dare say they ring true for a variety of religious communities. Perfection has always been the goal but somewhere it turned into expectation. When you fail to meet the mark it is clearly because you aren’t worthy or you are damaged. You will never be good enough for anyone around you. You may even feel like you are crazy or paranoid. People might even laugh at you.
Everyone starts talking about your short comings—your choices. Just like that, you are unlovable. Shamed. Marked with a scarlet letter. You are the one who will always do things wrong. The one who makes the same mistakes over and over again because, for some reason, you can’t learn your lesson the first time. You aren’t like everyone else, because the really smart ones, the lovable ones, the righteous ones, learn their lessons by watching the bad ones suffer the consequences of their actions. I was the bad one. Unlovable. It has become a part of who I am.
If anyone shows me love or acceptance, I will do everything in my power to show them how wrong they are. I don’t understand being on the receiving end of love or mercy. Kind gestures make me suspicious. What it is that the person wants from me. I have learned that I cannot trust the feelings of love because in the end, I am always reminded of how I have failed someone or something. I would much rather be on the other side, giving love and comfort to those that need it.
Over the years, I have had many uncomfortable conversations where I have had to justify my feelings or my choices. I have had to stand up for myself or my kids, even when I just want to accept the judgment and disappear. Worth and assertiveness comes naturally to some, but for me it is terrifying. I get anxiety and I can’t breathe because I live in fear of what someone might be thinking about me. I dread the idea of making someone angry. Even just thinking about their anger makes me what to shut down and cry.
I want to share my stories about being so overcome by guilt and shame that thought I would never make it through, yet I continue to survive. My fear is someone who says that I am seeking attention or that I am bringing them down. What those kind of people don’t understand is all I am really trying to do is connect with those who might know and understand my struggle. I want to give hope and compassion to anyone who may need to know they are not alone in this pain. Together we can heal these wounds. Together we can rewrite our truth.