Things are getting stressful here. We are in Day 3 of Quarantine and while I love being home, I have finally realized this week may have gotten me a little more wound up that I thought. You would think the empty bottle of “As Needed” anxiety meds might have given me an indication of my mental health status. BUUUUT it didn’t.
After a very long day of yard work and a very sore body because I am not used to doing much yard work, I decided to sit down and play some video games with the boy. I thought it would be a nice way to connect because he was kind of useful during the day. We were not going to play just any video game…oh no, no, no… we were going to play Mario Kart! I admit that I am not great at this game. In fact, I generally come in last place if the four of us play together. But given that I was just playing with Kaiden AND I help him with other life things AND he loves me more than anyone else I figured he would take this game time and teach me some things I needed to know. At the very least I was hoping for him to take some pity on me. That is not at all what happened.
We start the game, like we usually do. He picks a car, I pick a car. He does his thing. I do my thing. It was time to play. He learned very quickly when playing with us adults, we don’t have patience for him to choose which levels we are going to do. We set the game to random and he gets to choose a reasonable amount of races we will do. I also make him set the game to easy, because I know I suck and I need all the help I can get. Think of it as trying to use the bowling alley blockers so you can sort of keep up.
I did okay the first couple of races. He kept hitting me with whatever it is that is meant to slow me down. Other computer players were hitting me. He tells me not to worry and that he is only going to do it once (or twice) each game. I am certain it was mostly him hitting me over and over. This is irritating, but I managed. He is giving me the good jobs and I beat you mom but you gave a good effort pep talks. I know them well. I gave them out a lot as a teacher. I give them a lot to him. You should also know that Words of Affirmation is not my love language and is my least favorite thing to hear when I am in frustration mode because I feel like I am being talked down to like I’m an idiot. I clearly know that is not what is happening here, but it also gives me something I probably should address with my counselor in our next session, especially because of what happens next.
I agreed to playing a second game of six races. I figured I did okay playing the first game, I probably would have fun with the second. I pick my car, I try some new wheels, I get very excited and then we start the game. I knew instantly that this was not going to go well. My car was spinning out all over the place. I had no traction and I was in last place from the get go. I should probably insert here that I am fiercely competitive (I know it is a shock to everyone) and this game is hard enough for me to lose as it is. It kills me a little every single time I play, seriously. But I do it because I am working on being a better person…blah, blah, blah. I have also accepted my mediocre fate. Mediocre, not painfully terrible fate.
I had a bit of a melt down over my car not working on the sandy track. I won’t even lie. I made him restart the game so I could pick a different car because the one I picked sucked so much. He was really great at managing my mini melt down, which I feel is fair because I have done a really great job managing all of his not so mini ones. He lets me rant as I am picking a new car. I am demanding that he tells me the trick to picking out a car. He tells me just to do what he is doing. So I did. I picked the exact car he did. The same wheels. Even the same stupid para-glider. He had better speed and stuff, but he keeps telling me that is because he collects the coins. I have no idea if this is even true because I have not taken time to Google cheats for this game, although I do see this in my near future.
I had high expectations for this game now. I was confident. I was going to keep up with this little muppet. Right off the bat I can see that I am going to have the same experience with this car as I had with the last. He is over there being all happy and content and successful with his. Clearly this is a user error. I am getting super pissed, but I am trying to be an adult and keep it inside. Then it happens. Every. Single. Stupid. Track in this particular set of races has a billion places for me to fall off just to be carried back to the track by this stupid little angel and I am not exaggerating when I tell you I fell off every single one. In all of the 4ish hours of playing this game, I have never been on so many boards where I fall over the edge so many times. Let me tell you: That shit is frustrating!
I won’t even lie. I flipped. I went into a full on melt down. I am talking about a three year old kicking and screaming in the store because they didn’t get candy melt down. I started screaming at this kid. I am telling him that he is lying to me because he obviously did not do what I said to do, which was to set the game on the easy setting. I am throwing swear after swear out–almost ready to throw the stupid controller across the room. I am trying to breathe, but even that is pissing me off. Yes. I know this is a game, but at times like these, we sometimes become irrational.
Kaiden is working so hard to calm me down. I have to give him credit, he did an excellent job keeping himself calm. I am screaming at him, demanding that he tell me what the secrets are to this stupid game. He told me I just needed to study. I almost lost my shit all over again! Every time I would ask him to just tell me what to do, he would tell me all I needed to study. STUDY? STUDY WHAT? Why can’t you just tell me what to do?
Why won’t you tell me ONE STUPID THING that I can do so I won’t suck this bad? He calmly and rationally says to me, “It’s okay mom. Maybe this game is not your thing. It’s okay not to be good at it.” Well, those were not the words I wanted to hear. Words are now spewing out of me at this point. I am pretty sure he will be discussing this encounter with his therapist the next time they are able to meet.
I angrily worked myself through the final two races, barely holding on. Kaiden keeps reminding me that we can end and it would be ok. I am obviously not going to quit. Stubbornness is not one of my finer qualities. On the last course, Kaiden effortlessly comes in first place. He has the nerve to stand up, walk around, and then attempts to make small talk, trying his hardest to tell me it was okay and that I was doing a good job. Bless him. It didn’t work. I was still seeing fire.
The second I crossed that finish line, in the second from last place, I tossed the controller on the couch and walked away. Poor little guy followed me into my room to tell me that he loved me anyway. I am still ranting and screaming words and Rob gently tells him to give me some space (as he is laughing at me-telling me it was just a game and to give the kid a break). I was obsessed. I knew he clearly set this game to a normal or hard level and I just didn’t want to be anywhere near him. It was stupid. I was mean. I didn’t care. I have since apologized. Or I will. I better double check.
Trust me when I say, I don’t get to this point often. I was connecting in a big way with children and adults who freak out over stupid things and just need to be left alone for awhile to calm down. I took me a long while. I think I had to go to sleep before it would happen.
Fast forward to the next day (today). I am running errands in town with Rob and he randomly giggles to himself. I looked at him like he was a weirdo when he finally tells me that while I was having my melt down Kaiden was calmly mouthing the words “Help Me” to him while he was passing by with a side of the She Is Crazy look the whole time I was freaking out.
Moral of this story: Everyone has a breaking point. Mine is Mario Kart. Kaiden is growing as a human. This could have been ugly for all of us. I will celebrate that. Also, I should maybe look up game hints and maybe pop a crazy pill before I play this again.